what i prayed for..

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hajj was the first time I truly dedicated time to pray for myself. it was always a toilsome struggle to pray for what I truly need from God. no matter what day it was in ramadan or on arafat, I’d find myself staring blankly at my prayer mat, unable to utter a single word of need. 

I had that belief that God knew what was inherently etched inside my heart, and I tried my best to be grateful for what I did not have. sincerely, I thought it was named courtesy to refrain from asking God who is all-knowing and all-merciful. but during arafat, when all I had to do was ask, when even all the prayers were shortened to make time for merely asking, I broke apart.


I’m not sure what it was— vulnerability? brokenness? helplessness? perhaps all together and so much more. I am still so unsure. the only thing I am sure of is that I made so many intentions for a new life. and I am here to reflect upon them.


life is starkly different after the hajj experience. the heart is full, the subtle constancy of worldly demands quietens down and the focus is turned to what is essential. the invisible essentials of this existence are yet more subtle than the demands of worldly life and one needs drastic transformative experiences to finally tune into them.


and here are my incredibly subtle intentions.


I intend to be more modest.



since becoming a hijabi in 2016, I took slow steps to become more and more modest in my attire. when I got married, I was even much more inspired to manifest my growing femininity into how I look on the outside, thankfully. during hajj, one did not truly have time or the luxury to think or analyse how I looked and it felt rather freeing. the modesty in wearing loose clothing humbled me and uncovered a glimpse of my soul. 


as soon as I was finished with hajj, I decided to keep going. I felt drawn to the simplicity of the experience and how it somehow makes one’s features glow. there was this beautiful light that I did not want to extinguish once I returned. I pray to God it keeps its glimmer.



I intend to find clarity in stillness.



for the first time in years, I spent seventeen days doing nothing. entirely nothing. there was no productivity, no expectations, no plan. all we did was pray, wait for prayer by reading the Quran slowly, engaging in thikr and then praying again. this nothingness made me tear up every single day feeling it reveal so much about the vicinity of my being. I needed it so much— this beautiful, wondrous stillness.


it made me realise how I filled my day with so much nonsense, you know? inessentials. robotic movements that keep me busy and do nothing to enrich me. I blamed it on being responsible and accountable but in truth, it was just me being preoccupied with my anxiety rather than allowing my heart to simply feel comfort in being inside of my body.


during hajj, the sacred relationship between the body and the heart was made clear. the body does need movement to release itself, yes— but it also needs a copious measure of stillness. 


I made an intention to fill my time with stillness. taking time with prayers and all the imperfect, empty moments of the day. these precious moments are somehow timeless, enriching the soul with more than just memories.


I intend to remember that lesson everyday.


I intend to prioritise joy.



as an enneagram type four, sadness is the lens my eyes choose to see the world. grief and malaise is the vessel through which I interpret my feelings somehow and it requires of me so much time alone and in introspection to process it and come out of it not feeling sad. after getting married and in my growing relationships with the people around me, I realised that this repetitive vicious cycle of introspective sadness is pathological especially to the ones around me.


I did not know that and I was stubbornly defending my position every time, but after hajj, I have come to see that it’s not the right path.


one of the prayers we do almost every day as muslims is praying that we do not get sad or burdened during the day. sadness somehow veils us from the reality of this lifetime; how fleeting it truly is. hajj made me realise this quite deeply in unfathomable and inscrutable manner. 


so, I intend to prioritise joy and fulfilment rather than sadness. it is a tremendous step for me and will make me change in so many ways. I might have to sacrifice so much of my poetic rumination and melancholic reflections, perhaps altering the way I express my artistic tendencies. but that’s okay. it’s a noble sacrifice to make.


I pray that it makes me a better me.


that’s all for now. I’ll keep it concise. and now, let me go back to my vision board of the year to update my daylight dreams. (:

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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