a daylight dream

  every year, Ramadan comes and teaches me humility. it brings me down to earth, reminding me of my weakness as a human being. I think it’s the case for all of us— that’s the purpose of Ramadan. no matter how we show up to the world with all our prayers and duaa, we still do it with futile efforts. the hunger for God’s power. this year, I feel really humbled by Ramadan. all year I feel like I’m doing enough for God, or almost enough, the best I can at least. perhaps I give myself excuses. first, it was my depression. after that, it was building my worldly life through being busy having friends, exploring and indulging in pleasures I have always stayed away from. next, it’s work. however, time is wasted in the end. I end up on my phone or on my laptop doing mindless things. I somehow feel that my mind does not escape towards God— it escapes from Him. I’m afraid to face Him with my lack of will and strength. I hide when I’m not enough, when I don’t do enough to show my gratitude and ...

seven days have flown by. how mysteriously cunning time is when it is tied to a significant value? it does not overlook its need and paces forwards, oblivious to our miserable failings to make it right. Ramadan usually brings me a lot of anxiety, especially before it comes. even though I train myself to stay hungry most of the times and eat one meal a day, I still feel the fear of that gnawing pain and lack of energy. perhaps it is what scares me most— feeling out of control. there is no longer energy to embody certain intentions and mindsets. the mind is wandering and dozy. I envision myself praying the right way and find myself unable to remember what it is I prayed for. it is that particular lack of perfection that I am mostly afraid of. especially with my new demanding job, Ramadan is not that easy this year. I would say it is sweetly easy without the gruelling pains of a distorted gut syndrome, which has healed beautifully over the years. I need to be awake by 4, making suhoor for...

  it is all I ever did. surrender . I let myself go along the gears of a stubborn, fierce death. death of all needs and desires. death of a love I thought was eternally written in the stars. alas, it was not meant to be. I surrendered to the path foreordained. God gave us signs to hold on to one another in gardens and through mellow, gentle sunlight. but once the grass died and the weeds overcame the young seedlings we sprouted— I knew it was time. my heart whispered what I never thought could ever occur to me. it knew I needed a transformation. I could not keep going, I could not allow those cycles to keep reiterating. I was meant to break free. disenchant the curse that was spelled on my life. and God gave me what I always needed. I know I hurt you. but I only did what was right.  I followed the signs. a heart that knows God sincerely trusts His imprint in its world. a heart that has known love knows when it’s time to let go, to surrender to its creator. we have known a love...