a daylight dream

it’s all surrreal, being here in the spacious arms of God. the vicinity of holiness, being so carefully taken care of, being taken in an infinite embrace of mercy. hajj . I thought I was never worthy of being brought there. it seems it’s been all destined. a line written on my vision board for years and years. I never thought I’d be enough to find myself there, circumambulating in a motion akin to the angels eons above. being surrounded by all this grace, all this mercy, all this forgiveness. I keep remembering every moment of it. I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget how those tears streamed wondering if I prayed enough and asked enough of your clemency. I found myself being embraced by years and years of your magnificent love, and all the years I stood small never understanding it, not being acceptant enough of time’s miracle, how it allows love to unfold ever so tentatively and courteously. I pray I’m courteous enough to be a totally different person now. my past has been e...

I still see you somehow, hidden in the glory of resurrecting days. moments upon moments of uninterrupted grace. doorways to heavenly spheres open wide, and dear God, I feel alive. the tears have arrived and they soak the dryness in my cheeks. every part of me that had been starved is free again. it’s in these moments, I see you. like a piece of my heart has come alive. it has seen its mirror and finally rests— though it knows this life is not one that brings understanding and comfort. this feeling is but a knowing. the kind of resurrection that happens when guided by God’s witnessing gaze. but in real life, this love and this vastness ceases to exist. burning away with a glimpse of our ego and the weight of worldly doing. I know that a love this ethereal is rarely felt in the bustling reality of it all. it all disappears in the roughness of togetherness and pressure of proximity. but one day..  one day soon and in earnest truth, I’ll see you.

there is something I have noticed in myself, living independently and joyfully these past two years. there has been a slow, gradual shift that I haven’t recognised until today, while I was listening to a podcast about core inner work. I found myself asking, have I changed? perhaps I have. the old me valued being effective and efficient in every single way. there was a pressured hurriedness in the way I carried out even the simplest of things. a constant strife to be a hard worker, despite all else. however, this has changed. I am no longer a tireless hard worker. that would have been pitiful for the eighteen-year-old me, who was crowned “the hardest worker” at graduation. truly, I would spend hours and hours mastering things at the expense of basking in the joy of life’s subtleties. now, I have come to prioritise other aspects of being. adventure. experiences. relationships. aliveness. this is to the woman I have become who gives precedence to a casual walk with friends over organising...