a daylight dream

twenty-nine days have passed. twenty-nine lessons, or probably an exponential multiplication of that number. this Ramadan was quite distinguishable. quite unsettling and like always, hurting the ego to extents one can never predict. I learned that there is inherent weakness in me. this Ramadan, I got sick three times, each time lasting a week or so. it was a substantial blow to my health which left me feeling profusely weak and deranged by the last half of the month. I was indeed thrown off by the fact that I had to break my fast for a few days to maintain my strength and be able to take medicines to feel better again, and that I didn’t like. through that experience, I learned that humans are inherently weak after all, once they rely on their own strength and power. a surrendered state is the most glorious of all, I believe. however, finding the remembrance in one’s heart is God’s will, and we just have to be patient enough to find it. I learned that I need some feminine adjustments. m...

it’s a little better now, especially after my therapy session. I talked about what Ramadan means to me, and how much anxiety harboured my heart before its arrival. I talked about how my home in the past was filled with dread and fear of that beautiful month and instead of it being one of harmony, peace, prayer and love; it was one of anxiety, sadness and loneliness. this anxiety still hits me every year and I feel like something terrible would happen, given that my gut would explode in inflammation and pain every time. however, it is getting better. perhaps, it is the first year that I am not consumed with that overarching fear and am instead living it with presence. my therapist told me about what how everyone has an individual journey in Ramadan. at first, I always felt different seeing that everyone was so happy about the food, gatherings and changed routine. it was not like that for me. the hunger, the need to exercise patience and the demands of the month take a toll of my nafs, w...