a shift..

there is something I have noticed in myself, living independently and joyfully these past two years. there has been a slow, gradual shift that I haven’t recognised until today, while I was listening to a podcast about core inner work. I found myself asking, have I changed?

perhaps I have.

the old me valued being effective and efficient in every single way. there was a pressured hurriedness in the way I carried out even the simplest of things. a constant strife to be a hard worker, despite all else. however, this has changed. I am no longer a tireless hard worker. that would have been pitiful for the eighteen-year-old me, who was crowned “the hardest worker” at graduation. truly, I would spend hours and hours mastering things at the expense of basking in the joy of life’s subtleties. now, I have come to prioritise other aspects of being.

adventure. experiences. relationships. aliveness.

this is to the woman I have become who gives precedence to a casual walk with friends over organising work material. to the one who prefers to sip a coffee instead of writing long, detailed lesson plans. curates plans every weekend to discover new areas of this wonderful city. all at the expense of side hustles and income-generating projects that used to be take over my life.

I have outgrown that. it feels more like me, the original me, subtracting all the coping mechanisms that have served me wonderfully, but they are to no use at this point in my life for there is nothing to cope with. yes, the occasional stresses of being the leader of one’s life and all the responsibilities that come with that. but one does not need to cope with that.

it seems that I value different things in life now. even spirituality, which was a value at the core of my being is now mostly paired with a reflection of new experiences. I seem to now believe that the less I experience, the less my soul finds nourishment hence I spend so much time living and reflecting rather than exercising my worn out soul. spirituality now comes twinned with aliveness and being out in the light rather than cocooning my existence in the darkness of backgrounds and silence. a part of spirituality comes from that too, but one does not become wise without having experienced being alive, making mistakes and being a person.

I am quite proud of myself. I never thought I would be proud of working less hard. yet, the interesting sacrifice I made turned out to be much sweeter and gentler on my spirit.

I was reading a piece of work I have written in this blog a few years back titled ‘she is a cloud’. a piece dedicated to my shrivelled, aching inner child. my inner child still is aching. yet, instead of finding her crouched in the mud, the dryness of her skin menacingly breaking my heart, I find her clean. she is timidly seated right next to me, her hair softly falling along her shoulders. her bones are still protruding, but at least the dress she has chosen fits her enchantingly. her opal eyes are open-wide, observant but not so afraid anymore. perhaps, she struggles with a touch of mistrust. she does not believe that this love and this joy is permanent. perhaps she does not trust this happiness, for it has been cruelly taken away from her more times than she can count. the more she lives and experiences, she the more she trusts, the more she claims her values and individuality. and slowly, my heart feels at ease.

all those years I spent in a loveless home have masked the original me. and so, I still find myself doubting who I truly am. the worthlessness etched deep in my psyche haunts me at times, manoeuvring my values like a deck of cards, aligning what is safe instead of what’s integral and true and authentic. my life now is but a journey of self-exploration where I force myself into new experiences, quite forcefully at times, with rather panicky tears only to know what is true for me. it’s a tedious process especially for my inner child, who is yet to be parented by me again and again. 

at least I have made one revelation. I am no longer a hard-worker. instead, I am a vivid, mischievous adventurer. a seeker of beauty and new terrains. that fits me a little bit better and brings me so much heartfelt joy.

for that, I am grateful.