I still fly..

a few days ago, I found myself heaving in the tram on my way to work. I had done everything righteously for the past week, spending hours crafting a meticulously efficient plan for my day. still, there is so much fear. still, I am burdened by the unwavering shame of wondering if I had truly done things right. there is this pressure, a lack of receivership. there is this river that has dried up in my heart as the dam has been shut for so long— all the time I convince myself to be in control.

and so, I am truly sickened by it, revolted by the idea of having such a tight grip on my life. my heart longs to lose control, to cease that endless strife of thinking too much. I never thought I was a perfectionist, more of an idealist perhaps, but they are closely intertwined. both require a demanding presence, a super-ego so domineering that one cannot relax to observe life’s beautiful, graceful gifts. my soul softly whispers, “this isn’t you.”

I listen.

here’s to saying goodbye to thoroughly planning my day and instead, spending the hours of dawn visualising and creating with my visions. here’s to receiving God’s divine signs from bird songs and rays of sunshine. here’s to the spontaneous subtlety of life, rather than the rigorous strife of a human’s will.

 a new friend told me, “let yourself be free.” it touched me somehow, despite how simple the word ‘free’ is, but it is a mountain to climb for me. I have always worried that if I allowed myself to be free, I’d truly mess with things while deeply wanting them to be right. Sstill, mess does not exist with a soul so enchantingly synchronised with beauty and grace, does it? 

quite miraculously, May’s intention was truly witnessing what it means to surrender to God. I have lived quite joyful moments this April, though they were rather stiff with the reign of standardised plans. This May, along with a very special, spiritual journey ahead, I would like to taste and deeply feel this grace once more. I’d like to feel my body loosening its grip and my mind ceasing to think while it observes. novel ideas and inspirations sprout from that soft state of being a witness rather than being a mere active participant.

this is not about healing anymore. I feel that i need to leave behind the idea of healing. perhaps it has become more of an observation, to subtly find out after many months of being alive that some kind of pain has resolved and healed. just like a wound, healing happens quite naturally and organically. we don’t keep reopening the stitches. We give it attention once and be keen investigators just for a while, and then we leave it be. I have come to think that this is my path for the coming years, having spent so much time investigating and meddling with my own flaws. looking back, i have truly healed.

what this is about is living the experience quite fully. exposing myself and not being afraid. truly allowing myself to frolic midst the flowering trees of my daylight dreams. I am glad I have not changed. it’s been ten years since I started this blog, and still, I am a daylight dreamer at heart. still, my vision boards and monthly intentions are the wings of my soul. 

I still fly.. somehow.