it's okay..

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it's okay. thinking about what you've said, I can see now what you mean. I didn't know you'd be reading my blog, I knew someone was reading it and it drove me insane. at first I though it would be my father stalking me or trying to find my whereabouts, and so I tried to hide. 

but you, reading all this, well.. it would be strikingly difficult to read. and for this, I am sorry.

you can notice that I haven't been writing so often. even journalling is arduous when you're present and real and floating in the arms of time. when I'm planning bike rides around the city and its farmlands with the women here, climbing mountains, going on 10-hour hikes and beautifying my home, it's hard to find time to write. and even though I deeply miss writing, but I somehow don't find a reason to..

it's okay.. it's a new era now. I do not have to be all things at once.

but there are times when I sincerely do want to write. I go on bike rides and churn my heart for a muse. my heart is full of struggles, fears and anxieties. still, I don't know how to forgive my father. still, I don't feel good enough. still, it is hard to make peace with all the conflicting emotions within me. still, I don't know how to let go of all of my dark and twisted childhood memories. I feel scarred and loved through it, too. but it's hard to receive that transformation. it's tormenting to receive all these gifts.

at times, I remember you. I remember what it was and how I used to be. I remember how real it was but also how deeply chimerical. we lived in a cloud of make-beliefs and idealisations. it was too good to be true. and my mind sometimes likes to imagine what could be if we were truly real. if it was meant to be. I like to think of it sometimes.. I like to wonder what could have been and what could still be.

I write about it. here. stowing it away somewhere so that I could feel content with having it out in the world. but then I come back home to my husband, cat and houseplants. then I know whatever was, was definitely meant to be. because what I have is what makes me grow. it is right where it belongs in this lifetime.

you will always be my mirror. it's okay to admit that. I believe it would drive us insane if we tried to believe otherwise. I feel at times I am split in two; a product of what my past life has done to me. I had to create false realities to beautify the one I was truly living in. still, that habit pulls itself on me at times when I'm angry or hurt or confused. I sit down by the river and imagine a different reality. the storm passes, and I'm safe again.

we need to admit that we were blessings in each others lives. yes, I broke your heart. you also broke mine. maybe I was never honest about how you did it, because I did not know until it was too late. but my heart knew something about it.  I thought it was all I deserved. but with time, I knew it could have been different in real life. I chose the false reality I lived in, because I didn't know where else to go. so I chose you all these years. I chose the reality I knew I would never have. little did I know that to create it, I had to break everything apart.

you need to know that reality is not as sweet as we thought it would be. even the truest of love is tumultuous. sometimes, forgiveness rituals are not enough. love fades and gets erased with all what life has to carry. it gets renewed yes, it receives divine light. we surrender to the stream.. even in times of drought.

I am glad I do not live those moments with you. it wouldn't have been possible, at least to me. who I saw myself with you would never accept it. 

and so I came to a conclusion that the love between us was of a different kind. a spiritual mirror. a guidance. a divine light that taught us something to carry to the real world.

please carry it..

please transform the world with it.

do not lose trust in the world. be the trust..

do not lose meaning. be a meaning. make this love meaningful where it was.

you will find love again, I promise. it will be of a different kind. more grounding, earthly and firm to hold. but it will be what you pour your heart into, everything we learned and beyond.

it will be hard. it will feel rigid and tight. but it is what life is. life gives us nothing but challenges. divine gifts are but inspirations. changes of perception. miracles only understood by the heart. but the real work is nothing like this. it's harsh.

it is over, you and me. in the sense we knew. a new sense, maybe. two souls that have chosen to learn what love really is..

it's okay to let it bloom somewhere else..

it's okay that I am intending to be a mother soon. it's okay that I wish to go for Hajj with my husband whom I love so dearly. it's okay that I am healing.. becoming someone else, entirely.

I hope it's okay with you, too..

it's okay..
going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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