Attachments.

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A suspension to me is more like a sand storm in a desert; one that even when settled, can be stirred up with the slightest wind activity. I do not like to be suspended, though I've been stirred up in the atmosphere of my future for so long, that I'm almost accustomed.

They say that obscurity is therapeutic, it adds beauty and excitement to life. Yet, I must admit I do wish to settle in life a little; to know my aim, the pathway towards my goals, the dream to my destiny, but I still remain in a haze of so many "I don't know"s. Yes, it is thrilling to think that life will hold so much but my little narrow-minded perception is failing the ultimate unearthliness required to feel at peace regarding that matter. How beautiful it would be to actually feel grounded to who you are? To the decisions you've taken? The people you know? I think it would be a very comforting feeling.

Currently, I'm not attached to anything. I do not have an aim to start working on and my days just float like a peaceful current in the ocean. No tribulations; no slopes nor peaks. Just this steady continuum of parabolas I've already experienced so many times before. My day dreams attach me to a future that would magnetise my heart to some unearthly yet realistic devotion; a family to feel at home with, an ambition to achieve, a lover to nurture and discover humanness with. And I do not want to settle down, I'd love to develop and grow even while I'm not aware and those are, the attachments I long for.

These days, it's easy to actually part life because there's nothing in my life I actually own  except for my soul, which is an infinite, intangible thing to possess. I'm trying to discover what I really want or who I want to be, but I remember that I have limited choices. Today, my only choice is to keep breathing and let the time pass, until some captivating notion steals away my passion and attention.

I love to be busy, to have something on my mind because it makes it easier to feel balanced on the inside. Floating in the air alive is not exactly a virtue, but a befuddling experience. When I have work to do or someone to think of, I usually do so feverishly, consuming my energy till I'm left drained and tired, but in a beautiful way. I fear having to deal with obsessions when I'm older, like being a workaholic because I think I do have that tendency, especially with things concerning matters I'm passionate about.

Sometimes I see myself as a calyx that the wind had blown away and left stranded on the ground. A calyx that has got no roots nor stems to receive it's nutrition from. Yet, it's waiting and waiting for years and years to become a beautiful flower, to attain her purpose but then, she realises how withered she becomes day by day, and that the hopes keeping her alive are false and fake. I don't want to be that calyx, and I'm afraid of what the future might show me.

Yet, I'm hopeful because I don't want to wither just yet. Let me distract my mind with alternatives.. I hope it's never too late. Perhaps it's only my anxiety playing a role here, and perhaps it's it alone that detaches me and leaves me floating in the air. Perhaps I am a calyx floating in the air, but supported by a tree so old and nurturing, but I'm too overwhelmed by the realms before me, that it makes me forget to look down and be grateful about what led me here.

Let me take a few moments to be grateful, perhaps it's the only solution but not adequately appealing to suffice my ideals. 
Is it ever enough to be human, after all?

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